(((Jessica Bo Bessica)))'s Journal

10:39am: youtube is my fave past time :)

7:18pm:

12:54pm: sunshine
i got left at the curb last night, she left me with a strange guy because she could not wait 10 more min out of her time. FUCKED UP. I'm over it. I see the light and it feels good.
How could my emotions flip flop so easy? only answer i could think of is, i'm really not in love with her after all. AFTER ALL.

wow, mylife right now is a trip.

9:28am: right now
if i could do anything right now?
i would wish to lay in my bed with dana watching a movie, laughfing, tickling, and being happy. we had a really great realtionship when i was not drinking. i wish she rembered that.
i miss her really bad today.



i have to stop beating myself up, i'm way brused.

10:25pm: cant stop crying
i don't want to cry anymore.
it's the hardest at night.
i don't know how i'm gonna get through this?

i don't think i have ever been this sad.

i want to wake up from this really bad dream, when we were together i had a few dreams when we broke up, but when i woke i was so releaved to see her in the bed next to me. WHY CAN'T I WAKE UP....FUCK!

9:12am: comming out of denile
i think im starting to see what she means, feel what she feels. I hate comming out of denile. I hate looseing her. I hate how she is dating stacy, makes me want to cry, punch somthing. Amanda is cool, I dig her, but I want dana. Can't force love and she does not love me.

i can't stop thinking about whats going on. I'm driving myself crazy. I need to stop thinking about her and move on. i need to not even keep the fact of getting back together in the back of my mind.

I think she is just saying "we might try", down the line to keep me going, but she does not mean it, she just does not want to hurt my feeling.

i love her.

i hate me.

i'm living life and somtimes life just is not fair.

i dont hate myself really, just for what i could have prevented. right now i could have the picture perfect life if only i would have just stoped drinkin a few months sooner.

i am very, very sad.

12:08pm: type to geel better
I feel kinda out of it right now. I don't know why. I feel like a drink, I hate when that happens. But I won't, it will only make things worse, not better.
Why?
When?

I don't like change, after feeling safe for so long, I feel as if I'm alone in the world. I guess one only feels this after a long relationship because before I had no idea what I was missing.

Missing.

8:14am: control
Not having control is somthing that makes me very uneasy. I drank for a long time and lost control, but being sober and not having control I think is part of the reason the drank.

Shit.

*Accept-live in the now-grow*

12:43pm: need time, time needed
She needs time and so do I. We have alot of damage because of me. I think she wants to see that I can do it, be all that I claim to NOW changed into. I dont blame her for that, if anything she is being very smart about the whole thing. After all I am the inmature one, the fuck up.
So although I don't want anyone else I will make friends, go out, but still be by her side. I am going to make her proud of me, if nothing else.
One day at a time, I am a happy person and I'm not just telling myself that, it's for the first time true.
Honest.

7:55am: she fills my hart
Last night she let me love her.
Nothing better.
Right now I am so happy, so warm. I haven't felt this good in over a year.
I hope tonight can be the same.

Oh please take me back.
Just one more chance?

8:19am: so far away
I'm sober.
Happy.
But somone is missing.

Strange how life works.
While we were together I was the devil, but she loved me.
Now, i'm human again and she has fallen out of love.

I would do anything for her.
She knows that.
I hate how she feels so far away.

She is my best friend and i'm thankful for that.
She smells so good every time we hug.
Her little hands, feet.

She is so beautiful.
Sexy.
I admire this woman.

But, she is so far away.
I want her to come back to me.
I want her to say that she loves me.

Can we try again?
I will give you all of me.
I will give you everything.

All you have to give me is your heart.
And take mine.
Can we trade and never let go.

I love you.
I want you back.
But if all I can have is your friendship I will charrish it.

12:40pm: back
I am back. In so many ways. To be continued...

9:42pm: Green Eyes
Honey you are a rock,
Upon which I stand,
And I came here to talk,
I hope you understand,
The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you,
I came here with a load,
And it feels so much lighter now I met you,
And honey you should know,
That I could never go on without you,
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea,
Upon which I float,
And I came here to talk,
I think you should know

The green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find,
And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind,
Because I came here with a load,
And it feels so much lighter since I met you,
Honey you should know,
That I could never go on without you,
Green eyes, green eyes
Oh oh oh oh (x4)

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

(Coldplay)

11:39pm: i just wrot a whole entry that i was rather proud of but it disapeared. FUCK ME.


i feel mad.
again i feel sad.
but i'm glad.
i can wright sucky poetry.
i just looked out the window.
my neighbors are being TPed.
this is a hiCO.
FOO.




till we meat again...

11:44pm: booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10:26pm: i'm a whiney bitch but i'm depressed. i suck.

11:55pm: blueballs
never take redline 5 hours before bed. SPEED I TELL YOU.

4:58pm: little VAkay
Palm Springs here we come!! holly shit i am so stoked!!

8:31pm: hehehe

10:28pm: I'm good at many things. I'm bad at many things. BOO TO EVERYTHING but softball.

9:18pm: token
Right after i graduated high school i discoverd WEED. After that for about 2 years straight i was a pot head, smoking 4x or more a day (out of a bong mind you). I became so good at being high that being sober was a trip. Anyhow i cut back to only smoking about an 8th to my dome ever 2-3 weeks (a bowl every two or three days). So over the past three years that became less and less and as of sunday i had not smoked any weed in about 6 months. But on sunday i got the urge and smoked a bowl. Best bowl ever i must say, just the healing relaxation medication i needed. My head has been clear and relaxed all week. I am a hippy and will always be, so a little bowl here and there is just what mother nature orderd. So happy to have finally made peace with my mary jane. THE END.

11:54pm: pondering
what is boococky? i know its is sexual, but how?

11:06pm: Video code provided by KEKAI BOY

12:45pm: ....



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7:27pm: Look I Learned How To DO HTML